My First Love

“If you love someone and you break up, where does the love go?” – Carrie Bradshaw

first loveI talked to my first love today. I called him and we caught up for about an hour — we just talked about life. Much of our relationship was long distance and I remember talking to him into all hours of the night. It was crazy. We never talked on the phone when we first got together. Then when he moved, that was all we could do. It’s amazing how all that talking made us incredibly close — closer than we probably would have been had we lived in the same city during our entire relationship.

I call him my first love  because he was the first man I was truly in love with and the first one who was truly in love with me (I don’t believe unrequited love is love at all. Love must be mutual to merit the definition.) It’s weird now looking back on the seriousness of  him and my relationship. (It’s worth noting by serious I don’t mean sexual. We dated for 2.5 years and never had sex.) I really thought I was going to graduate from college, move to Kansas City and marry him. We were so young. But even at a young age, he showed me what love is. This was possibly to my detriment since now I have this sky-high expectation of men. I can spot a counterfeit quick. Unfortunately, I don’t always call it what it is. However, I am definitely not delusional. I know that I was never loved before and have not been loved since him.

He and I broke up because of distance and because I felt that God wanted me to spend some alone time with Him. I thought our breakup would be short-lived. It’s been two and a half full years and there is no chance of reconciliation between us. Talking to him today though made me wish we could give it another shot. I know that’s just the Unsatisfied Single in me talking. He has a girlfriend that I’m sure he’s in love with now and I have the person I’m supposed to be with in the future (if you see him by the way, tell him I’m looking for him, thanks!).

It’s still nice to talk to someone who loved me — even if it was a long time ago and that love for me has completely evaporated.

It’s also nice to know that the one who will love me forever and ever is still out there. Somewhere. Waiting for the love for me that has evaporated into the atmosphere to settle like dew on his heart when he meets me. (That was a SWEET analogy!).

I live in a fantasy land.

2 thoughts on “My First Love

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  1. Even though the “L” word wasn’t present for us, I love the fact that the first guy I had deep feelings for and I are good friends, and it’s always great talking to and spending time with him. The thought of him still makes me smile, and even though we cannot have a second go at it for numerous reasons, it makes me happy anytime he shows his tender side. You’d think I still had feelings for him, but I just like what he represents for me. I still have yet to like anyone as much as I did him.


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