“I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope. For hope would be hope for the wrong thing…” – TS Eliot
I was an emotional trainwreck for most of 2008 and 2009. Every road leading back to where I was and the decisions I made is covered with more red flags waving than an Ohio State football home game. It seems I made one decision after the next with no regard to common sense and reality. Being the persistently realistic person that I am, it’s difficult for me to admit the rationale behind a lot of my actions. I had so much hope, so many expectations, so much desire — I relentlessly pursued what I was after and avoided all reason. It’s embarrassing to even think about it. Now, I am a wiser person because of it and I promised my heart I would not set myself up for debilitating disappointment like I did in the past.
Yet here I am…against my will…hoping against hope…AGAIN
But this time seems different.
I’ve gotten so used to losing, so used to disappointment, so used to hurt, so used to wanting what I can’t have and refusing to settle for the lackluster things that want me, I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to win. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be comfortable, to be able to relax, to not have to guess or wonder or obsess or be on guard emotionally but especially physically. It is possible that I’ve dreamed up this entire thing and the feelings aren’t at all mutual (wouldn’t be the first time), but I would be genuinely and legitimately surprised if that were the case. I’m not carried away on false pretenses, a victim of ulterior motives or desiring something for the sole reason that it is unattainable. Nope. This time is different. And without putting the cart in front of the horse or adding pressure where there shouldn’t be, I have to believe this isn’t coincidental…or too good to be true. I’ve been mentally turning over every stone looking for “the catch” to this. But why do that? Why not just let things be? Why look for something I don’t want to see? I can’t let my defense mechanisms destroy me.
So maybe I’ll hope this time. Maybe I’ll expect something. Maybe I’ll be disappointed. But then there’s the chance that I won’t. There is the chance that — this time — things will be different. Judging from my track record, it isn’t likely, but this time just feels different.(Granted, that is possibly because of the laughable circumstances surrounding the inception of my hope). Whatever the reason, maybe I should allow myself to hope ….and maybe this time I’m not hoping for the wrong thing.