I’ve heard people say rejection is just God’s protection.
I like that and I guess I get it and I’m sure it can be applied to this situation, but I wish it didn’t hurt so much. How can one person be the source of SO MUCH pain in a person’s life and for no reason? I never did anything to him to deserve the way things turned out. I should’ve never gotten involved with him. If I could go back, I wouldn’t even have said “hi”. Not because I think he is a terrible person, but because the pain isn’t worth it. I’m sure down the road, I’ll be completely over it and it won’t sting when I watch him brush the hair out of another girl’s eye. My heart won’t drop to my stomach when he unexpectedly comes in the room (that’s an improvement! It used to drop to the floor). My eyes wont mist when I think about all I put into him and what I got in return (nothing but heartbreak). It seems like I would be over it by now, but I guess you can’t put a timetable on healing.
I learned, MY GOD, did I learn with this situation. I still kick myself for not pivoting on my heel and walking away at the first sign of indiscretion (June 2008). I just wanted it to work so bad. More than I have ever wanted anything to work. But WHY?! And more importantly, why didn’t he want things to work out with me? I guess there are some questions that will never have answers. That’s really unfortunate, but that’s life.
I cannot spend my life nursing these wounds, or thinking about him and everything that did and didn’t happen between us. I have to move on with my life completely. It seems that no matter who loves me, I will never forget the one who refused. Rejection sucks. At least I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am okay for being hurt by him. Connsidering the circumstances, who wouldn’t have been? But I have to get over it. I need to get over it. I just don’t know how.
I feel like I need heart surgery. I need God to cut me open and take out every ounce of feelings I have for him. How could I possibly have feelings for him anyway after everything he did to me? There is no reason why my heart should skip a beat when I see him. I should hate him. Sometimes I tell myself I do, but I don’t. I never have and there is a good chance I never will. I’m fine with that. Indifference is worse than hate. And that is what he has for me: indifference. He doesn’t hate me. He’s just over me. He’s moved on to his next conquest.
Seeing him last night standing there and talking to that girl, I thought I could die. I thought my heart could drop through my body and my brain could explode. He was oblivious to me. But maybe it’s good for me to see things like that — it keeps me from hoping or wondering if he still harbors any feelings in his heart for me. It’s obvious he doesn’t.
I know one thing, I will not carry this into 2010. I’m better than I was and soon I will forget about him completely. Everything will not remind me of him, I won’t feel anything when I look back on the past. I don’t know where to begin though. I have the desire to let go (Summer 2008 I had no such desire). Now, I want to let go.
It’s like the movie, New Moon, I saw yesterday: sometimes you have to love what is good for you. He is not good for me. He is toxic. He’s a poison, a cancer, an unhealthy addiction for me.
I wish I would not have saw him last night. I’ve been doing well and seeing him in that setting was a mistake. It set me back about ten steps. But, I’m shaking it off. I have to. People don’t drown my falling in water, they drown by staying there.
And this rejection really is God’s protection. What if he did return my affection? How safe would it have been for me to be so wrapped in a person who is wrong for me? Who would I have become if things would have worked out for us? Sure, I wouldn’t have experienced the hurt I do, but I’m also sure I would’ve been a mess. Let’s be honest: I would’ve idolized him as a boyfriend. I would have been in a sexual relationship when I don’t believe in sex outside of marriage and I probably would be an alcoholic…and probably have a kid. And that’s assuming he would’ve been faithful to me. If not, I could also have an STD. It’s really for the best that things didn’t work out. A broken heart I can get over, herpes I cannot. I’m not saying he would’ve contracted herpes from having sex with another woman, but I have to look at worst-case scenario and be thankful that all I got out of this is hurt feelings and not something more permanent.
I have to remind myself that he is not God’s best for me. I just wish I would have never met him. What was the purpose? I learned a lesson, but I could’ve read a book for that.