E-Stalking My Ex…Like You Haven’t.

A couple of weeks ago, my ex-boyfriend, Authentic, texted me out of the clear blue sky and said,

“Hey, I’m not sure if you knew already but I got engaged two weeks ago.”

I had no clue.

And, because I’m an emotional cutter, today I decided to log onto my Myspace account (for the first time in forever) and check out the woman he is marrying.

I figured there would be a picture or two on his MySpace page. Turns out she has, not one, but TWO Myspace pages and a Facebook with an unprotected album (rookie). So, for a full 45 minutes, I looked at her pictures, read her (amazing) blogs and listened to her music on her page (yes, she sings — something I have *always* wished I could do). From her Facebook page, I saw that he had a Facebook page too. I thought this ironic because when we were together he HATED Facebook. He always commented on my “living my life on the internet”. I told him he was being ridiculous and people only fear what they don’t understand. I figured that he would cave and get on it one day, I just thought we would be friends when he did.

We’re not….and probably never will be. I’m not going to friend him. I’m sure that’s what his fiancee wants to see in his newsfeed “Authentic and Alissa are now friends.” I’m not assuming she is the jealous type, but there is no reason for me, his girlfriend of 2+ years to “friend” him on Facebook now…except to be nosy.

I am nosy, but I am also respectful of their relationship.

By the way, I call him Authentic because that’s what he was — an authentic Christian, authentic man and he loved me authentically. I say, jokingly, that he loved me to ruins. I was so cynical and jaded when we got together, it took a lot for him to coax my heart out of it’s hiding place. Love is a strong force.

Unfortunately, when we broke up (amicably), I realized Authentic was an anomaly and all men do not and would not love me like he did or even try.  If I know what love is now, it is because of him. We had our ups and downs and our relationship was far from perfect, but he sure knew how to make a woman feel loved. His fiancee is lucky.

Don’t mistake my tone, I am very happy for him. He is an amazing person and will be an incredible husband. Although, I was in love with him back then, I got over that a while ago and harbored no false hope that he and I would reconcile. I’m not like that. I live in reality. What we had is what we had and what we have now is nothing. I made my peace with that long before he dropped that bomb on me through a text.

Still…it’s an interesting thing to see a man I used to be in love with and, at one point, was completely convinced I was going to marry, now loving someone else and marrying her. I feel like a grownup! Haha. The only time I’ve experienced this is when I lived my life vicariously through a Sex and the City episode when Big tells Carrie in a restaurant that he is engaged. Thankfully, this is not like a Carrie and Big situation because Authentic never took me on an emotional rollercoaster ride, I knew what it was when it was and I knew it ended when it ended. It’s weird though because I feel like I should be sad. I feel like I should be mourning the loss of my love. Isn’t that what women do when their first love marries someone else? Shouldn’t I be sad? Shouldn’t my eyes be misting over? Shouldn’t I let a few tears fall on my keyboard? Shouldn’t I be picking his fiancee apart making myself both unspeakably bitter and irrationally vain in the process? Shouldn’t I be devastated he is committing his life to someone else?

Oddly, I am none of those things.

Instead, I’m just weirded out.

And hopeful.

I’m hopeful that one day I will be in love again with someone who loves me….authentically.