“You are beautiful.”
Three words that have been the death of me.
The beginning of a bad choice.
The opening line to a fatal ending.
The other day, I decided to establish two things with myself: I am beautiful. I am likable.
If I make these truths as real to me as my name, I won’t be a sucker for anyone who utters them anymore.
I cannot count how many times I have used the justification “he thinks I’m pretty” or “he likes me” to excuse a world of wrongs from a man. I have lost my senses, stayed hooked on a guy longer than what made logical sense and been utterly bewildered by his disappearance because I kept reminding myself of what he said “You’re beautiful” or worse “I like you.”
Why do I do this? I know that I’m pretty. I’m not Halle-Berry-Beautiful, but I’ve turned some heads. Men are attracted to me. I know that I’m likable. I am nice, I can carry on a conversation about anything, I show genuine interest in other people, I help people out and I’m fun to be around. Men like me.
But that’s not enough.
It’s no longer sufficient for a guy to think I’m pretty or for him to even like me. Those things are nice to hear and they’re a start, but they aren’t the middle nor the conclusion. I need to stop using these phrases as motivation for my obsessions with the men who say them. In truth, these words are empty. They are devoid of any meaning and they lack the need to look deeper because there isn’t anything deeper to see.
I blame middle school for my thinking that liking me is enough.
I got my first ‘”Do you like me?’ Circle yes, no or maybe.” note when I was in sixth grade. I remember staring at the sheet of paper and feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders (I ignored the, “If you don’t like me do you like DeJaun? Circle yes, no or maybe” that was scribbled at the bottom). I knew what ever word I circled meant something. It was a commitment of sorts. For the next three years, every time I circled a “yes” I found myself with a new boyfriend. However, that was middle school. Ten years later, I realize that I’ve been getting the right answer to the wrong question.
Now, my question is “Do you want to be with me?”
The answer to that question is what separates he who is worth my time and he who is a complete waste of it.
I commented on my friend’s blog a few days ago. She was talking about a guy who she liked whom she knew liked her but he wasn’t willing to take the friendship to the next level of a relationship. Anyone who knows me, knows this is my life story.
I commented on her blog, but really I saw so much of myself and my faulty reasoning in her words that I felt my comment was more to myself concerning a few men in my recent past:
Of course he likes you. Why wouldn’t he like you? But, honestly, so what? I “like” the Lexus GX470, but you know what? Lexus will not give me the car unless I take the necessary steps to get it (ie paying for it). And they certainly aren’t going to let me BORROW it just because I really like it – while I save up for a different car that I’m actually willing to purchase.
What I was saying is that if a guy likes me that’s great, but if he doesn’t want to take the necessary steps to be with me or even have any desire to be in a relationship with me, then who cares? Liking me is not enough.
It’s hard to believe I am admitting this for the first time today, when clearly a man liking me or thinking I am beautiful has never been enough. Many men have liked me or were attracted to me in the past few years yet, not surprisingly, I’ve been “between boyfriends” for the past few years also. That fact tells me all I need to know.
Trump, SuperStamina, and ATA. All men who “liked” me. All men who thought I was beautiful. All men who either disappeared on me, acted callously toward me or simply did not want to be with me. All men whom I nursed strong feelings for because I thought liking me or thinking I was beautiful meant something. I thought that what we had would transform into something more because isn’t that what happens when a guy likes me or thinks I’m beautiful? Don’t all men want to be with a woman they like and are attracted to? (It’s downright embarrassing how naive I can be.) I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and wondering if I would have just taken what they said at face value and not placed so much importance on what I assumed they meant by the little that they actually said.
I will not ever find myself in that situation again. It’s a set-up. It’s a trap.
I am beautiful. I am likable. I have established these facts with myself because I will never be a sucker for those phrases. Ever. Again.