This is me.

For the first time in my life, I feel like giving up.

I have never been more frustrated than I am right now, nearly 13months to the day after I graduated from college. I feel like I have made zero progress toward anything that I want to do with my life. I spent blood, sweat, tears, time and money on college and now I feel like it was all a waste.

It’s like I’m standing in a hallway, I’m facing tons of doors and I’m holding a large set of keys yet I cannot get a single door to open. Not one. I’m knocking, I’m banging, I’m trying all of the locks. There is no space for me to climb over and no space for me to crawl under. I am completely locked out. Shut out of everything I want to do.

How did this happen?

I’m at a complete standstill and I have been for a while. I feel like everyone is living their dream (or at least steadily working towards it) except for me. [This is one reason why I need to deactivate my Facebook.]

I am miserable and cannot catch a break from this misery. It’s bringing me down emotionally and I don’t want it to turn physical. It’s been months and months and months. What am I doing?

I’ve adjusted my dreams in order to fit where I am in my life geographically, but even still it seems like nothing is working out like it should. I ask myself every day why I am even doing this. Any of this. What is the point?

What do closed doors mean?

Maybe I just need to move onto other endeavors. I may need to try to fall in love with something other than writing, reading, talking and watching cable news. Maybe none of this is for me and the fact that I am sitting at home on a Wednesday afternoon feeling like a complete failure in life is God’s way of telling me that I need to try something else.

Other doors have opened for me and they’ve opened wide. I don’t like anything behind those doors, but maybe I could learn to like them. I feel forced to walk through those doors – if only because I cannot live in the hallway. But accepting what’s behind Door number 3 while staring wistfully at Door number 1 (that just won’t open) doesn’t seem wise.

Maybe I should just give up, accept what’s behind Door #3 and let the last 24 years be a memory of when I thought I knew what I wanted…until I realized I didn’t.

I don’t want to give up though. I want everything to work out. But, at this point, what are the chances? I’m a writer. Writing is what I do. Ive been writing for as long as I can remember. Now? I can’t write anything. I feel like a former HS track star who is now sitting in a wheelchair with amputated legs watching the track and field Olympics and wishing he could run.

I feel paralyzed. This is beyond writers block and it’s been going on for a while. I cannot pinpoint the exact moment of when this happened. When did I lose my ability to write???? It’s almost like the change was gradual, imperceptible to the human eye, virtually unnoticeable to anyone except me. I have blamed everything dead and alive moving and unmoving.

I hate feeling like this. I don’t believe in being miserable. I cut people off, quit jobs, move away…all in the pursuit of a perpetual state of bliss. How do I quit my dreams though? How do I quit trying?

I guess it’s like trying to get over a guy that I’ve been either dating or obsessed with for a long time. I need to find a new focus. A new goal to reach for. I’ll let that consume my time and energy and find my happiness in my success in that.

Success just isn’t as sweet when it’s not what you really, really wanted though. But I don’t see an alternative. I want to be happy. I want to be content. I want to feel like I am making progress in my life.

I dont want to long for Plan A while I live Plan B. I want to enjoy Plan B and make that my Plan A and turn my current Plan A into a dream that I can’t even remember.

I want to feel like I have something to show for taking up space on this earth and I want to be happy about what I have to show. Right now, I’m just staring at locked doors.

I need a change.

But first, I need to scream.

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

Langston Hughes

*I am a very blessed individual. God has blessed me tremendously and this post in no way shape or form is an attempt to minimize everything He has done for me. I am not complaining. I am wondering. I am wondering if I am on the right path or if I should move to a different path.

5 Comments on “[.Frustrated.]

  1. It seems like you’re dealing with several issues in this blog. As far as your “inability” to write, I think you’ve articulated yourself quite well. It’s an irony that suggests to me that you’ll be fine. Just keep writing. It’s natural for writers to struggle with the writing process. I don’t know a single good writer who doesn’t struggle with it. For me, one goal is to write every day. I’ve been writing and publishing poetry and short stories for the past ten years, but I recently felt like I couldn’t write anything. Instead of forcing it, I just placed more emphasis on blogging. I’m just flexing a different writing muscle. Eventually, I’ll do more creative writing when inspiration hits me but, in the meantime, I’m still writing and keeping my skills sharp. That’s what works for me. You just need to find what works for you.

    The second point I would make is that there’s nothing wrong with feeling down. I don’t care how on point someone is personally and professionally. They have their good and bad days too. If you’re feeling down, then that’s just how you feel. Give yourself the space to simply feel that way. The key is making sure you give yourself room for other feelings too.


  2. I know what you mean by constantly running into locked doors. I’m currently experiencing that in my own career path. The biggest thing I can think of is for you not to give up. Maybe take Door #3, if you have to to survive, but don’t give up on Door #1. That’s my current plan, at least.

    On the writing.. I agree with AG. You write beautifully here. You obviously have something to write about, and you articulate yourself well, and in quite a fascinating manner.

    One of the most important things about writing is to work at it. Inspiration doesn’t happen. It’s achieved. Set aside 4-5 hours every day, where you WILL write, without stopping, even if it’s crap. Among the drivel, will be something beautiful. Develop the beautiful.

    But please don’t give up on Door #1.


  3. Pingback: I Got A Job!!!! | This Cannot Be My Life

  4. Pingback: Why Jef Writes | San Docena

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