What do I want to do with my life?

For the first time in my life I have no idea. I don’t know if this is just a side effect of losing my dad - I’ve also lost direction and my faith that I can control the events in my life. I don’t know what it is. I do know it is weird to not know what I’m doing.

As always, I think it would be awesome to be a news commentator. I also think it’d be sweet to have an article published in Cosmo. Interviewing President Obama would be awesome also. A game-changing interview during an election ala’ Katie Couric/Sarah Palin would be amazing. I also would like to have a show that showcases Christian entertainers and etc. I would want to be the must-have interview for Christian entertainers the way Oprah is. I want to write a book. I want to make it onto a list like People’s 50 Most Beautiful People or Time Magazine’s 100 Most Influential People. I just want to do everything!

Of course, I write/edit for theFreshXpress and I love that, so maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do with my life. I think it will blow up soon and maybe I can do some TV from that.

My problem isn’t that I don’t want to do anything. My problem is that I want to do EVERYTHING. I just want to be successful…

I normally hate email forwards, but I liked this one. It is my wish for all of my friends and all of those who read this…

My wish for You in 2010

May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy
May the problems you had, forget your home address!
In simple words …………

I’ve been at my new job for a week full-time now. And I LOVE IT. I knew I would. I mean, I’ve been slaving away at TheFreshXpress for almost a year now for free (hence the word: slaving, excuse my redundancy). I didn’t know I would love this job THIS much though. Sean, my boss, is awesome. I also work for Minority Recruit and that’s cool too. This job is just so great. Yay :-)

I am thankful that I enjoy my job. I am truly getting paid to do what I love. I still wish I were working in television, but you never know what a day may bring and I am incredibly thankful for what this day has brought :-)

Today is my last day at my still relatively new job.

This has been the hardest decision I’ve had to make in a while.

I’m feeling all sorts of ways this morning: excited, nervous, uncertain, sad…and sleepy (but I’m always sleepy lol). I know this is a good decision — one that I prayed about and talked to my mom and friends about. Everyone agreed this is a good move for me even after a short time, but I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love going there every day. And cutting the umbilical cord is going to hurt. My church is really my city of refuge. I’m still going to go to church there and volunteer any way I can, but not working there makes me kind of sad. I’ve grown close to everyone in a short amount of time. I haven’t had to abruptly leave somewhere in a while. Switching schools like a maniac growing up made change easy for me, but it’s still sad on some level.

I am training someone this morning. I hope she’s nice and learns fast and everyone likes her.

Looking ahead though, I am excited for what the future holds (and I know Who holds the future). I feel like I am embarking on something great and that this is only the first step. Working at WHC was a small but necessary chapter in my life. I am appreciative for the opportunity. Who knows if I will find occasion to return? Doubtful, but who knows? And like I said, I’ll still be at church there all the time so I’m really not going anywhere. I think there is always some guilt in quitting a church especially one that I love so very very very very very much (maybe TOO much haha). But God opened this door and I have to walk through it.

Yesterday, I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself because my dad won’t be here for Christmas. I was thinking about how lonely I am and how I don’t have a best friend in this city or a boyfriend. Then something dawned on me: there are people MUCH worse off during this holiday season than I am. So, I decided I want to adopt-a-family.

I don’t know how to go about doing this. I just want to find a single mom (or a single dad) who legitimately has no money to provide for their kids this holiday season and I want to make that happen for them. That’s the thing about loneliness and sadness — helping someone in need makes those feelings go away. Especially in this economy, I know there is some parent out there doing the best he/she can to make ends meet and just needs a little bit of help.

How do I find people like this? I guess I could go ask the church. People probably call asking for help all the time. Maybe I’ll go talk to the high school tomorrow or the elementary school and see who I can help. I want this family to really need help though. I don’t want to pile toys on top of toys.

I’m praying that God would make this family cross my path. Sometimes people need help and no one even knows it. When I was in HS and just moved to Georgia, my mom sister and I were struggling. Unbeknowst to us, the neighborhood banded together and provided Christmas toys and food for us. That was so nice of them to do that for us and my mom was crying she was so happy. I want to pay that forward.

My dad always helped people. He loved to provide for people who didn’t have the means to provide for themselves. He would definitely want me to help an unfortunate family this year. I’ll do it in honor of him.

God needs to work on my temper. I don’t understand how some people never get mad. I go from 0 to 300 in .005 seconds. I would like to blame this on the fact that I’m overstressed emotionally after what happened this summer, but honestly I have always been a “spit-fire” as my mom likes to call me. I need to work on that. I’ve been doing better lately, but I want to learn to let more things roll.

I’ve heard people say rejection is just God’s protection.

I like that and I guess I get it and I’m sure it can be applied to this situation, but I wish it didn’t hurt so much. How can one person be the source of SO MUCH pain in a person’s life and for no reason? I never did anything to him to deserve the way things turned out. I should’ve never gotten involved with him. If I could go back, I wouldn’t even have said “hi”. Not because I think he is a terrible person, but because the pain isn’t worth it. I’m sure down the road, I’ll be completely over it and it won’t sting when I watch him brush the hair out of another girl’s eye. My heart won’t drop to my stomach when he unexpectedly comes in the room (that’s an improvement! It used to drop to the floor). My eyes wont mist when I think about all I put into him and what I got in return (nothing but heartbreak). It seems like I would be over it by now, but I guess you can’t put a timetable on healing. Continue reading →