“You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose.” -Jo Courdert
I hate red toenail polish with a passion. I hate it because my dad’s ex-girlfriend wore it all the time when they were dating. She was the woman whom he left my mother for and the woman who ultimately killed him (and herself) in a devastating murder-suicide just ten days after my college graduation. Whenever I see red toenail polish, I think of her.
So how did I end up in the chair of a local nail salon watching the Korean man paint my toenails the fire-engine red color I’d just picked out? The answer was simple: it was for him. “Him” being the rollercoaster of a man I was dating. The man who would neither commit to me, nor let me go. Everything I had been doing lately had been for him. He said he liked red toenail polish, so I put my intense (but rational!) dislike aside and got my toenails painted red. For him.
Of course, considering the emotional distress I had to overcome and my inability to look down at my feet as I walked out of the salon, I thought that he would love my toes. Instead he said, “it would be cooler if they had designs.” And that was it.
In that moment, I had the stunning realization that I would never be what this man wanted. Ever. Here I was unable to look at my own feet and the man I’d gotten them painted for had the nerve to only comment on what would’ve been “cooler”.
About a week after I’d gotten my toenails painted red, as I was stepping out of the shower, I took a cold hard look at my feet. It is safe to say, at that point, I was looking up at rock bottom.
It was then that I knew it was over. Continue reading
