Month: February 2010

Saturday Afternoon Epiphany: March Miser Month

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Today, I had a reality check: I need to get my life together.

It all started when I called my bank to check on my emergency funds account and was shocked at the low balance. Literally, my heart dropped to my feet and I thought, “I’ve been robbed!” I pressed “5” to hear the last 5 transactions. Turns out I hadn’t been robbed…just careless.

I sat there fuming. Not mad at anyone in particular, just irritated that I let myself (and my account) get like this. Then (because sitting there being mad never changed anything), I began to think about changes I can make… Continue reading →

Friendship (Or the Lack Thereof)

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I want to write a post about friendship — about making friends, losing friends and whether or not losing friends means I was never friends with the person in the first place.

I have a lot of thoughts in my head on the topic, but I can’t sort them out.

I feel like I lost a friend today, but then again, maybe she was never my friend at all. If that’s the case, I didn’t lose anything really.

“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” they say. Maybe she regarded me as an enemy and I was naive enough to think of her as a friend. Such is life. She definitely made a point to let me know that, whatever we were, we are not friends now. (Who unfollows ppl on Twitter and unfriends them on Facebook????)

It’s fine though. I’d much rather not guess where I stand with a person.

This post makes no sense, but it’s late and I’m tired.

Books I’m Reading

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I love to read. My mom taught me to read when I was three years old (#shoutout to stay-at-home moms!!!). Ever since then, I am always in the middle of a book. As I’ve gotten older, it’s been harder for me to find the time to read. No more reading in the backseat while riding around the city with my parents (oh to be a kid again). When I lived in NYC for a summer in 2008, I finished a book every two weeks by reading to and from my internship on the subway. It was GREAT! I miss that actually.

I read all sorts of books: political, spiritual, personal development, financial, and even some fiction (but not a lot). Right now I’m reading the Autobiography of Malcolm X; The Conversation by Hill Harper and What Color is Conservative by JC Watts Jr.

I’m excited! I don’t even know which one I should read first! I think I’ll go with Malcolm X. I plan to have all three books completed by the end of April, maybe sooner.

Who I Am

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It’s like I turn into a different person when he is around.

Someone that I don’t like. In fact, I hate who I am when I’m with him. I hate who I have become as a result of him. I’m different. I’m not me at all. I am a shell of my former self. Vapid on the inside, I am desperate to be something or someone because I forget who I am when I am around him. My hatred of him is actually a hatred of me. I don’t know how to act, what to do, what to say, what to think so a mixture comes out: love, hate, stupidity, intelligence, happiness, sadness, anger, joy….mostly frustration. I’m frustrated. Exhausted. Tired of this entire thing. Tired of who I am when I’m with him. I want to be free.

I want to be me.

Single and Fabulous

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I read something interesting today. It was entitled: Ladies: Why You Can’t Keep/Find a Good Man

It was one of those typical: “Women this is all the stuff you are doing wrong. Here is what you can do to get it right and keep/find a good man”.

Of course that gets a O_O from me. I haven’t even met a guy worth a second date in months and all of this advice assumes we’ve gotten to the “cook for him stage”. There were a ton of comments on this post, but this stuck out the most from a woman named IAmNotStarJones: Continue reading →

Puzzle Pieces

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Whenever things are going wrong in my life, I always have to stop and ask God if I am walking in His will. A lot of times I know the answer to that. For instance, when I am in sin, I don’t even bother asking God “what’s going on?” because I know the answer: I am walking in my own way and suffering the consequences for that. When I decide to stop willfully living in sin (which is different than committing sins), my life shapes back up and though things aren’t picture perfect, I know I am in His will. A long time ago, a friend told me that if I am not in sin then I am always smack dab in the middle of the circumference of the perfect will of God for my life.

But this is different…

Things aren’t necessarily going bad, but it’s like I have this puzzle which is my life and I have a ton of pieces that all look great, but they don’t fit together to complete the puzzle. Worse still, it’s like I can’t find the top of the box, so I can’t see what the end picture is supposed to look like. Instead, I am forced to try and figure out if I have too many pieces, if any pieces are missing and which pieces don’t fit in the puzzle. I’m guessing what the end picture is supposed to look like…and I am horrible at guessing games. Continue reading →

In Defense of Wanting…a boyfriend, that is.

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I haven’t had a “boyfriend” in approximately two years and eight months. Before the amicable end of that relationship, I had not been single for more than three weeks in 10 years (or since I started dating in fifth grade). Throughout junior high and highschool, I changed boyfriends like mechanics change oil. For various reasons, every few weeks or months, I was “onto the next one” © Jay-Z. I switched schools, zip codes and area codes incessantly, yet nothing affected my propensity to be in a relationship. And around my 19th birthday, I thought I had found the one I was going to spend my life with. I know that sounds dramatic, but if you’d been dating for eight years, you’d feel like you’d seen it all too. When he and I ended two years later (on good terms), I was devastated. I thought I would never find anyone else. Two full years later, I haven’t. Now, I’m completely over him, perpetually single and wanting a boyfriend.

Today, I began to think….

There are a few things I have resolved not to do the next time I am in a serious committed relationship: gain weight, skip hair appointments, neglect writing…oh and tell my single friends that they will find love once they stop looking.

What does that even mean? Continue reading →

Meal #2: Spaghetti

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This ordeal took entirely too long, but look who can make spaghetti now??

AND my nephew said it was good (without my asking of course. I dont seek approval from a 9yr old who adores McDonalds).

This cooking thing really isn’t so bad….

And on my plate, it looks even better…

Very proud of myself! I made my favorite, practical meal :-)

I am actually accomplishing things on my vision board! Yay!

New Plan!

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I’m always coming up with a new plan. Things after college haven’t exactly turned out how I’d hoped but it’s been 7 months and it is time for me to stop wistfully looking back at what could have been and start focusing on what is and what will be.

I evaluated where I am, what I am doing, what I want to do and whether or not I’m on the path to get there and I’ve decided to go a different way. I haven’t given up my political correspondent and TV news analyst dreams just yet (far from it), but I am tweaking my path a bit. I’ve decided to do what my mother has always said I should do since I was a little kid: Continue reading →